Like so many others, this time has been particularly hard for me. I've had many ups and downs.
I've had moments of great peace with "a deep knowing" of what I'm supposed to do through all this to many moments of intense fear and doubt.
During the moments of fear and doubt, I walk around all day trying to hold it together, doing my best not to fall apart. I question why I'm here. I feel like giving up. And I often feel like I'm one big phony trying to help my children and others during this when I can't even help myself. During these moments I become an emotional wreck.
This morning I was an emotional wreck.
I stood on my back porch, looking out over the trees wrapped in my daughter's Pokémon blanket, and just cried. I called out to God and to my mom for answers. I even called out to my dad, but then took it back. I'm hoping my dad finds that funny.
I told my mom I wanted a clear sign from her that I was going to be alright. That everything was going to be alright.
The entire time I stood there crying, a bird had perched itself near me on the roof of my neighbor's house to my right. And it would not stop talking/singing. It almost got comical as she just looked at me the entire time. I even asked her at one point if she was my mom talking to me (my mom loved birds). I'd turn, look at the trees, and then turn back and the bird would still be there. Twice during the 30 minutes, she hopped closer to me, still on the roof. She was there talking to me for 30 minutes.
Once, I even asked her to be quiet, I couldn't think. She was getting on my nerves. I know my mom found that funny.
Towards the end, I started thinking about some books I'd be signing for someone. A person is sending me a few books to sign for some women in his life who he's concerned about during all this. What a lovely and caring person he is.
My "feeling like a fake" surfaced again. I was thinking about what I could possibly sign that would help them at all through this fear and uncertainty when I can't even find my own way at times.
The tears kept flowing and the bird kept talking.
Then, part of one of my favorite quotes floated into my mind and I thought I would simply write, "Know there will always be something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly. Atta girl."
And the image one of my favorite photos floated into my mind.
The minute I thought of this quote and this picture, the bird stopped singing. I turned towards her, she looked at me and flew to the house on my left and perched there staring at me.
I smiled. Asked the bird if that was the message she was trying to tell me. She chirped one last chirp and flew away.
I believe in signs. Sometimes when I receive them, I'm not quite sure if they are really a sign. This one I'm sure of.
Thank you mom. I think I've found my ground again, something solid to stand on. At least for the moment. And I'll take it.